I am the worst mother ever. After nine weeks of no sleep, dealing with numerous doctors about Gordie’s reflux, being generally nasty and crying half the time, I broke down and had a cigarette. Did it make me feel better? Yes and no. It’s some sort of identity thing and the only way I have ever dealt with stress. SO for about five minutes I felt like the me I have been for 15 years( and was that really so great anyway?), and now I just feel like shit. Looking at his sweet little face and feeling his soft little cheeks, he is the one hurting and I choose the weakest way ever to make myself feel better. And it didn’t even work.
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2 responses so far ↓
emilie // January 28, 2007 at 4:20 pm
don’t beat yourself up. Now you know – it wasn’t all that great, right? It’s hard to deal with a healthy new baby, let alone one that is in pain!
Hell, there were days when I wanted a cigarette too – and I was never really a “smoker”, more like a social smoker…but you made it over a year without one – You can do it!!
Papi // February 2, 2007 at 3:12 am
He’s clean, he’s fat, he’s smiling, he’s beautiful, he’s well dressed, he’s been a handful but he’s ours.
She’s tired, she’s worried, she’s harried, she’s testy, she’s exhausted, but most of all she’s an wonderful mother.
I am…….lucky to have them both.
Papi